I was having a one on one talk with my man tonight when I broke down and cried.
I am really tired. I realized I am.
It started with “Are you okay? What is wrong?”
I have turned myself into a working woman, a student, a household servant, a distant sister/daughter/granddaughter, a disabled person, Zoë’s overly resposible mother and Armand’s evil witch! Yes, believe it or not, I did – or I am. I came to understand that I have been pushing myself hard this last few months that even the smallest and perhaps most nonsense wrong that I did and has been pointed out to me – I crack! And I stomp, and I chomp, chomp, chomp.
Sometimes, I forget to pray.
I have over a thousand “friends” and “followers” and “things I follow” on facebook that sometimes the clutter makes me fuzzy, empty.
What have I turned myself into? I told Armand tonight that sometimes I do not know myself anymore. I cannot even manage a longer black and sleek hair like I used to! Believe me or not, sometimes I just feel ugly. And I know, this is not fair – both for me and the man who loves me.
I went to see a psychologist (or psychiatrist – I do not remember anymore) 7 weeks after I gave birth to Zoë. I did not have a normal delivery. I almost did not see my baby anymore. The psychologist (or psychiatrist, I think) advised me to start doing the thing that I love most – and I immediately said “writing.” She then advised me to start doing it. And I did. I started this blog – though it took me a lot of creating and breaking down – until I found WordPress (which is a joy).
So what have I really turned myself into?
I am good. This, I owe to my partner and my daughter, and most to myself.
I found a similar post on another blog: http://wonderingfair.com/2011/07/22/who-am-i/