Who Am I Now?

I was having a one on one talk with my man tonight when I broke down and cried.

I am really tired.  I realized I am.

It started with “Are you okay?  What is wrong?”

I have turned myself into a working woman, a student, a household servant, a distant sister/daughter/granddaughter, a disabled person, Zoë’s overly resposible mother and Armand’s evil witch!  Yes, believe it or not, I did – or I am.  I came to understand that I have been pushing myself hard this last few months that even the smallest and perhaps most nonsense wrong that I did and has been pointed out to me – I crack! And I stomp, and I chomp, chomp, chomp.

Sometimes, I forget to pray.

I have over a thousand “friends” and “followers” and “things I follow” on facebook that sometimes the clutter makes me fuzzy, empty.

What have I turned myself into?  I told Armand tonight that sometimes I do not know myself anymore.  I cannot even manage a longer black and sleek hair like I used to!  Believe me or not, sometimes I just feel ugly.  And I know, this is not fair – both for me and the man who loves me.

I went to see a psychologist (or psychiatrist – I do not remember anymore) 7 weeks after I gave birth to Zoë.  I did not have  a normal delivery.  I almost did not see my baby anymore.  The psychologist (or psychiatrist, I think) advised me to start doing the thing that I love most – and I immediately said “writing.”  She then advised me to start doing it.  And I did.  I started this blog – though it took me a lot of creating and breaking down – until I found WordPress (which is a joy).

So what have I really turned myself into?

Sigh…

I am good.  This, I owe to my partner and my daughter, and most to myself.

—-

Note:

I found a similar post on another blog: http://wonderingfair.com/2011/07/22/who-am-i/

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