I have been pondering on this topic for a long time now until recently this has been silently voiced out by a friend who is a world far from me but who is singing my same song.
We might be deemed as lucky souls or lucky women because we found the love of our lives (praying beyond faith that we did!) and that we have beautiful babies. Yes, this I won’t deny and without bathing an eye – we do! Our babies are just really perfect. (Now, I think no parent, father or mother will say that their child is not beautiful).
I am happy. Seeing Zoë and the unspoken love she has in her eyes everytime she looks at me is immeasurable. Watching her laughing and playing and running (moreso bumping!) around the house makes my heart beat faster and slower all at the same time. Watching her wince and cry is a feeling that I don’t desire at all.
What am I really pointing out here?
That yes, we, mommies are happy. And yes, we are not entirely angels and heroes sent down from heaven above. We also have our downtimes. At least, I have my downtime.
Sometimes, when I am in the bus on my way to work, I wonder what my life would be if I am not here. If I chose another path. Would I be happier? Would I be sad? Maybe I would be in a ward in a Mental Institution because of depression for not choosing to be with the man I love. Would I be richer perhaps? My what if’s.
One thing for sure I know is – I will be carefree and is in full control of my life.
Am I not in control anymore now? Yes and No. Yes, because I still get to make decisions and has my own voice. No, because everything that is happening in the now is not only about me but also always about Armand and Zoë – and not to forget – Simba.
Do I then have no control over this? I say No. Why? Because my maternal and woman instinct is always switched on no matter what my mood is: I just love my family that just like the blink of an eye and the snap of one’s fingers – I am there. Day in, day out.
Yesterday, a German woman who was in the same training as I was said: “You don’t have to make the baby the reason why you have to be married.” Our 24 year old married trainer replied back: “Of course you have to.”
Different frame of references. If you are single, then all your ideals are still based on your being single. Alone. Independence. Single people or people without commitments have indeed a different say on topics like this. Yesterday, while listening to her saying this, I wanted to “slap” the idea away from her.
A child deserves to grow up in a home where the parents are together and love each other. This, is what, I know – and I believe. (I grew up otherwise).
There are really times that you will feel like you are walking into a brick wall – specially if you chose to live life with somebody who has an entirely different background and language. But if that time comes and the other side of you starts battering you with questions like “What have you done?” – start thinking about the first time you saw this very soul in a different light and the reasons why you fell in love with the father of your child. It always works. And you start to come back to reality and say to yourself, “Yes, this is where I am meant to be.”
So to my beautiful and very lovely friend – we will make this work for our beautiful Half-Filipino Blooded babies.
Congratulations as you walk into another chapter in your life. Just remember, there is another soul somewhere at the other side of the planet who understands you. 😉