Yesterday, I received a message from my sister saying that she feels really unlucky.  She was telling me about her fight with our mother.  Again.

You see, we grew up in a home that was incomplete.  No mother and no father.  I guess some of us are just really lucky to live life like this.

It was crap.

Growing up with my grandmother and grandfather seemed normal that time, and with your cousins, aunts and uncles occupying the same abode.  It was a weird setting.  We had to live and deal with everybody so we can be sent to school and try as much as possible to live a normal life.

I loved my father very much.  He was the perfect man for me.  He was silent, very smart and hardworking.  Until one time he lost it all and the last of his fuse just suddenly exploded.  Then he left.  I was 8.  My sister 1.  My brother, the one who came after me just died 4 years before that.

The last memory I had of him was him lying in a coffin when I was 15.  Dead.  Promises gone.

My mother.  I can say that she is different.  She is just plain different.  I think everybody who knows her can say the same thing.  She is sweet, yes.  But there are times that she will be the total opposite of that sweet, sweet facade.  She can hurt us.  She hurts us.  Never physically though.

She has her own mind.  She “listens”, but forgets.  I told her many times that we never felt her presence in our lives.  I remembered her crying and embracing me.

Sometimes I wonder how she was raised by the same people who raised us.

Once, a friend was telling me about the time when she had her first child, a daughter.  She said that after having her, she finally realized how much her mother loves her.  Then she asked me:  “It is true, right?”  And I nodded my head to “show” my agreement.  At the back of my head though I was thinking: “I really don’t know what you are talking about.”

She is my mother, you see.  We know that she is passing through a difficult time right now and we have always been there for her.  A difficult phase that she alone placed herself into.  We are.  We provide.  She is always welcome.  We love her unconditionally.  But I think it will never be enough.

These are strong words, I know – but really vague.  This post is not clear.  I am sorry.

Watching Zoë sleeping in her bed this morning, I know, while wiping my tear-stricken face, I will love her even after my last breath.

I will never be my mother.

But I will forever be her daughter.

I forgive her everyday.

Could it be that our mamang needs professional help?


4 thoughts on “Mamang…

  1. I know it’s not easy for you to write this. Nor it was easy experiencing what you did. And forgiving? That’s never easy. But you make forgiving sounds so easy. May God heal all wounds, and continue to bless you.

  2. Not easy Doc, but who am I to deny this to her? She is my mother. I cannot just say “take it, or leave it.” And there is no denying that I am her daughter, because para kaming pinag-biyak na bunga, though I lack her appeal and all. 🙂 I have nothing to complain about, I feel like I have always been blessed. I may not get what I want immediately but God provides me what I need in His own time and even more. I see it as that. My husband is also very supportive: he always wipe my tears away and is always reminding me to look at the future and forgive my past.
    Cheers to us po! May God continue to bless you and your family as well!

  3. No es fácil decir lo que uno siente, te entiendo y lo sabes. Quizás de los pocos que te entiende de verdad. Tu eres de las pocas persona por no decir la unia que sabe mi verdadera historia, bueno menos de mi y mas de ti. Lo que has puesto que no sabes como creció ella, eso me pasa a mi igual, juzgue a mis padres pero siempre quice saber como fueron ellos de jóvenes, mi situación con mi madre es más bien hola y adiós, nunca fue buena nunca hubo besos o abrazos. Hasta hoy en día no hay ni un beso ni abrazos. El pasado es parte nuestro que hace que seamos las personas que somos hoy, no hay que olvidar pero no es bueno mantenerse allí. Has crecido en ser una mujer fantástica una madre que cualquier bebe desearía tener una esposa de las pocos que hay, lo tienes todo, amigos que pederían su trabajo por defenderte ;). Dentro de poco te casas, y te mereces todo lo que tienes, me alegra que alguien que no tuvo buena infancia termine de la manera que terminas tu, todo perfecto el sueño de cualquier perdona. Sigue escribiendo ;€

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