I have changed my blog address: conqueringnetherlands from gintongpinaydutch. I realized that I will always be a Filipino in spite of me slowly immersing myself to a culture so far from that of what I was used to while growing up.
What I really have to do is to conquer. And to conquer is what I have to do.
My husband told me, again, just a couple of days ago that I am really turning Dutch. I am not sure if that is something to be proud of, or if it is something that I should be looking out to and be vigilant with. He told me, later on, that it was like I am no longer the same sweet, sweet Cherry Mae that he met years ago.
I am turning Dutch. Questions? Ask!
I took the Dutch State Exam (Dutch as a Second Language) <Staatexamen Nederlands als tweede taal> on the last week of September this year. I got the online result yesterday.
I did not make it.
I did not pass everything. I feel really devastated.
I know it was not an easy exam but deep down I was hoping (AND EXPECTING) that I will pass everything. I was so used to passing each and every exams I have taken ever since I started taking exams/tests. To be otherwise – is rather devastating.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I failed Armand. I failed myself. I failed Zoë. (And my feeling of having failed her is what pains me the most!)
It was a terrible feeling to feel. The Dutch Government offered me a 2 year scholarship in one of the schools in Maastricht to prepare me for the State Exam. Out of the 2 years, I think I have only attended like 8 to 10 months (or less): 1 – I was pregnant; 2 – I gave birth (maternity leave); 3 – no teachers; 4 – the school closed for a couple of miserable months because they didn’t have enough students (as the Dutch government also stopped giving out scholarships to immigrants); 5 – I had to work on late shifts, thus, I was unable to attend school; 6 – I WAS JUST PLAIN LAZY!
When the school closed for a couple of months, I found myself taking Dutch Lessons in Belgium – but a level so below the State Exam that I was supposed to take <*note* have taken, and failed!!>
What pains me is – I just needed those needed 2 points more to pass the exam. I needed them, but they were not there. geeshhhhh
We got married on September 5 – spell BUSY the months before. The exam (which was divided to 2 days) was on September 23 and 24.
On the day that I took the exam, there was war in my beloved Zamboanga. It was on it’s 3rd week of being under siege by the Moro National Liberation Front. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-24079198
I am not looking for excuses as to why I have failed this very important exam.
I am merely conquering my fears and my sadness. I actually feel good now.
I think I will actually believe my husband for telling me, again and again, that I am not stupid, and useless, or a disappointment. (I ask him all of these ugly things, if he thinks I am all these things, by the way).
We also got information that I might not be required to pass this exam as I now have “the” contract at work.
The perks of a foreigner trying to force herself to a foreign country’s “process of naturalization.”
Conquering the Netherlands.