Conquering Netherlands

I have changed my blog address: conqueringnetherlands from gintongpinaydutch. I realized that I will always be a Filipino in spite of me slowly immersing myself to a culture so far from that of what I was used to while growing up.

What I really have to do is to conquer. And to conquer is what I have to do.

My husband told me, again, just a couple of days ago that I am really turning Dutch. I am not sure if that is something to be proud of, or if it is something that I should be looking out to and be vigilant with. He told me, later on, that it was like I am no longer the same sweet, sweet Cherry Mae that he met years ago.

I am turning Dutch. Questions? Ask!

I took the Dutch State Exam (Dutch as a Second Language) <Staatexamen Nederlands als tweede taal> on the last week of September this year. I got the online result yesterday.

I did not make it. I did not pass everything. I feel really devastated.

I know it was not an easy exam but deep down I was hoping (AND EXPECTING) that I will pass everything. I was so used to passing each and every exams I have taken ever since I started taking exams/tests. To be otherwise – is rather devastating.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel like I failed Armand. I failed myself. I failed Zoë.  (And my feeling of having failed her is what pains me the most!)

It was a terrible feeling to feel. The Dutch Government offered me a 2 year scholarship in one of the schools in Maastricht to prepare me for the State Exam. Out of the 2 years, I think I have only attended like 8 to 10 months (or less):  1 – I was pregnant; 2 – I gave birth (maternity leave); 3 – no teachers; 4 – the school closed for a couple of miserable months because they didn’t have enough students (as the Dutch government also stopped giving out scholarships to immigrants); 5 – I had to work on late shifts, thus, I was unable to attend school; 6 – I WAS JUST PLAIN LAZY!

When the school closed for a couple of months, I found myself taking Dutch Lessons in Belgium – but a level so below the State Exam that I was supposed to take <*note* have taken, and failed!!>

What pains me is – I just needed those needed 2 points more to pass the exam. I needed them, but they were not there. geeshhhhh

We got married on September 5 – spell BUSY the months before. The exam (which was divided to 2 days) was on September 23 and 24.

On the day that I took the exam, there was war in my beloved Zamboanga. It was on it’s 3rd week of being under siege by the Moro National Liberation Front. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-24079198

I am not looking for excuses as to why I have failed this very important exam.

I am merely conquering my fears and my sadness. I actually feel good now.

I think I will actually believe my husband for telling me, again and again, that I am not stupid, and useless, or a disappointment. (I ask him all of these ugly things, if he thinks I am all these things, by the way).

We also got information that I might not be required to pass this exam as I now have “the” contract at work.

The perks of a foreigner trying to force herself to a foreign country’s “process of naturalization.”

Conquering the Netherlands.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s