Today I will write again.
I have to admit, there are times now where I always ask myself if some of the things that I do now are all worth it.
Is my new job all worth the tiredness, the fights with my husband, my falling asleep at 8pm and waking up again at 10pm to squeeze in a 15-minute “hi’s and hello’s” with the man I married, the not being with Sidney during the week all worth it?
And then I find myself saying to myself: “Perhaps I just do not know how to balance all of these things.”
There are still certain days – really good days – that I feel like I am on top of the world!
One thing is – ask me if I am doing ok in the morning and I will give you an honest to goodness answer: “I am fine.”
Ask me if I am ok in the afternoon and I will clap my hand once (and see you fall before my eyes!) (adapted from Daenerys Targaryen)
Don’t ask me if I am ok when you know that I feel like crap because I look like crap especially on a Friday!
So are all these things worth it?
To be honest, I don’t know..
I think so.
There are moments that I feel like I really messed up with a decision or 2 that I made for the team that day.
Some days I am just happy to know that I made somebody happy after a talk, or after a pat in the back.
Or after a friendly hug.
Or that I was able to make a difference.
For a person who was raised to try and do your best to help – playing safe at times actually means playing a hard game.
But I have to take the risk.
So are all this worth my back and pelvic pain?
I say yes.
After all, every day is a learning experience.
There are certain lessons that we have to learn the hard way.
I fight with my husband, yes. But because of these misunderstandings that I come to know him more and more each day.
We laugh together about the silly quarrels after that.
As for my daughter? I think the hard part is knowing that she is growing up really fast. She certainly doesn’t want to be called “baby” anymore. She will tell me “Ik ben een meisje mama! Niet een baby meer!” (I am now a little girl mama! I am not a baby anymore!)
Really. This is something Dutch. (I will conquer it).
I call her baby still. As her Papa calls her schatjepie.
She also has her own circle of friends at the creche that she loves to sing “Let it go” with and compare the Disney Princesses printed on their shirt.
So you see, I took a step back and let my career self take over a bit. My family is still standing tall.