The Silence

I know that I have not written anything sane for a while now. I feel like it has been a year since I have actually sat down and wrote something “something” in this page. That something that started all of this.

This blog.

And my feeling of sudden “depression”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am as happy as I can be: a beautiful daughter, a good job, a wonderful, patient husband, a nice house, 3 cute and fluffy kittens, amazing in-laws, a loving family in the Philippines and good friends.

I also want to think that I am a likeable person.

After I gave birth to my daughter, the health and medical condition that followed the experience was not one that I wish other new mothers would have to pass.

I gave birth to her 5 years and some 4 months ago.

When my pubis snapped, the doctors said that it may take 1-2 years for the condition to heal itself. For 2 months after I gave birth, I took to taking 1000mg of paracetamol 3 times a day: I was a zombie. It was not the nicest feeling of all. My mind was so blurry that I felt stupid.

It took my child up to the 18th-month to be able to walk on her own. I could not help her or teach her how to crawl. She did not pass that stage.

It was very difficult for me to squat in the floor like most mothers. I just can’t.

Until now I can’t. 😞

I had wished to only take care of my newborn and be that caring wife to my husband (like I see on TV) but he ended taking care of me.

And literally helped me to be able to walk again. I was a cripple.

I suffered from post-partum depression.

Then I had to go back to work and see a psychiatrist at the same time: I think I spoke English enough that I pretended well that I was okay. (I did not want to expose myself to a “professional” stranger!). She told me to find my passion and release my pain there.

I knew right away I needed to write. And it helped me.

Then I planned to further my career in this cold country also known as The Low Lands.

And I stopped writing.

And my pain came crashing back.

I blamed all of this pain with my broken back. 4 years after I gave birth to my little princess, I went back to our family doctor.

That was more than 1 year ago.

1. I was sent to the physiotherapist because of the continuous physical back pain.

2. Physiotherapist found out my pelvis was not straight. It took us some good 4 months to set it back.

3. Pain did not stop there. I still had it everyday. I visited the physiotherapist 2x a week. I enjoyed a good back massage everytime I was there.

4. After almost a year I went back to the doctor with the same complaint. This time I told her I have pain shooting down my legs, knees, feet, heels of my feet, toes. I also get pain in my chest, my sides, my jaw.

5. I was sent to the hospital for an xray. My pubis is not healed.

6. My doctor called me and asked that I check with the physiotherapist if they can help me with placing it back. The answer was “No.”

7. I was referred to a Rheumatologist. After spending almost 1 hour in her office doing the tests, she told me I have the signs of fibromyalgia. (Fibro what??) It would have resulted from the trauma after the birth of my baby and stress. I was informed it is a chronic disease and there was no cure.

I have to deal with the pain.

The Rheumatologist gave me the link to the official website for fibromyalgia to guide me to this ordeal. She also asked me to go back and get another xray as the last one was not really clear and she can’t point out if it causes me backpain. She was pretty sure, however, it’s fibromyalgia.

8. I called my husband crying. I do not want to believe the fibromyalgia diagnosis. That sounded so vague and so generally misleading. He told me to go back to the doctor.

9. I called the doctor again. She advised me to have the xray again. I did. I got nothing out of it. We already know my pelvis was not well after the baby came out.

10. I was sent to a Gynecologist this time. The good woman was confused as to why I have to see her for my pains. I have to explain everything again. She understood. I got my echo and she saw that my uterus is sitting pretty low. She advised of placing a metal ring to push it back up but not sure if that will stop my backpain.

My frustration was rising. I was even more depressed. I was not happy at all.

What do I have?

11. I called the doctor and this time the head doctor attended to my questions. He told me we will follow a process to remove all questions: if I have hernia or really the fibromyalgia. I was sent next to a neurologist.

12. As expected, after all the tests and answering the neurologist’s questions, she did not find anything. My nervous system is healthy. I do not have anything but my pain.

I felt like nobody believes me that I was in pain.

I cried and fought with my husband and screamed. I did not want to go to work or talk to anyone. I did not want to get out of bed. I shut myself out from everyone that I cared for more than a year now as I was always tired. I did not want to talk to my agents and colleagues and listen to their complaints. I cancelled invitations to parties, lunch and dinner. I needed my energy for my Zoë, my husband, my sisters and brother and my job.

Then my manager at work showed me a video called “The Fly” that he also uses to battle with stress and his pain. I realized that I have people around me who actually wanted to help.

I also did not know that my husband can be so patient.

I started reading about fibromyalgia again. And now I understand. All these symptoms. My going to the toilet 5x a day on average.

I am starting to accept it but my doctor said I still have to see the Orthopedist and if that is still negative, then the pain doctor.

Let’s see.



Spring and Twirl

The sun in her twinkling little eyes, the undefinable joy etched on her small, kissable lips that reminds me so much of her father’s kisses and those cute, working hands working the magic turn, twirl, dance, play.

They all remind me that, everyday, I am this Filipina who is successfully conquering The Netherlands.

My Holland


Most often than not, because of the cold that is the country itself (not kidding, it is cold -2 months of every year!!), I forget to see that the Netherlands is a beautiful country.

When I was a little girl in that far, small city of Zamboanga, I used to dream that someday, I would want to see Europe and its cobbled streets.

While growing up, I forgot about that dream. I became busy surviving.

This morning, again, just like every other mornings, while in the bus and I see the bricked, square houses, I am being reminded – yet again – that I am here. I am here, in this beautiful country, with its cobbled streets.

Sometimes, I still forget, that this is my home now.